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Kiss Off Kiss (2021)

by Erin McKeown

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1.
da da da da da da da da dah da da da da dah da da da da da da da da dah da da da da dah across a kitchen table in a mess of cooks cooking you slung your arrow when i wasn’t look looking my heart it didn’t flutter my gun stayed in its holster i walked out of that room with a shaft stuck in my shoulder da da da da da da da da dah da da da da dah da da da da da da da da dah da da da da dah the signs were signing early when we couldn’t stop talk talking we passed a perfect day without the clock tick tick tocking my heartbeat didn’t skip it was already broken the bow can’t aim itself when the bullseye thinks it’s joking da da da da da da da da dah da da da da dah da da da da da da da da dah da da da da dah i like to think i am the one that got away i like to think that i am 21st century too sharp to fall for that ancient mythic shit how could someone so smart be so suddenly stupid to think somehow i would reinvent cupid da da da da da da da da dah da da da da dah da da da da da da da da dah da da da da dah across a late spring bed in a cabin begged and borrowed i grabbed that arrowhead and pulled it back out of my collar
2.
LITANY FOR A MINOR CHARACTER for you who never lied to me for you who began with buyer beware to me LORD HEAR OUR PRAYER for you my conspirator you who only you knew my nom de guerre call me by my secret cares LORD HEAR OUR PRAYER for the pair of us , walking, arms twist tight seaside nights in that gay town square for you who broke my heart before i was aware i swear but there you were so rare with your blue eyes and blonde hair LORD HEAR OUR PRAYER for before second best was too much to bear rearranging deck chairs on that sinking bedstead for when i was finally awake did i dare LORD HEAR OUR PRAYER for the blankness of your stare for how i couldn’t get beneath some layer scared me shitless that i could care this much LORD HEAR OUR PRAYER for all that millionaire solitaire laissez fair this price of repair for all the writers who fucked me thinking they’d write something they’d get lucky for me, the first to strike, now does it feel fair? LORD HEAR OUR PRAYER for the world is a wheel for the wheel is a world a wheel in a world in the middle of the air LORD HEAR OUR PRAYER for all this mess this blessing will you grant us for all this struggle all this for someone so brief a narrator mercy for that minor character LORD I SEND THIS PRAYER LORD I SEND THIS PRAYER LORD HEAR OUR PRAYER
3.
i guess i’ve got an on / off heart i’m in for good or i give up until you get a space or a kiss you don’t know which one you’re with my heart is like a line in the sand you’re never landing on the middle of it it’s either gonna sink or swim it’s either gonna feel everything or feel nothing, nothing when it hears your name when it’s gone it’s gone you’ll never get it back again it’s gonna stop or start my on / off heart i’m heels over head or not i’m freezing cold or paradise hot it’s either i believe or i don’t  i’m all in, i’m all in  or i feel nothing, nothing when i hear your name when i’m gone i’m gone you’ll never get me back again it’s gonna stop or start my on / off heart the thing about an off heart it thinks it’s so alone don’t like small talk needs a lightning strike to hit it right to make it turn back on i guess i’ve got an on / off heart when i said i loved you it was racing hard and when i said i’m leaving that was the space between the b e a t i n g
4.
if i could i’d switch shadows with you my outline in yours to trade shapes, to take leave of my faults to feel what it’s like in yours ahhh! ahhh! ahhh! ahhh! from the start we fill in the blanks we assume what we can’t see in the shade next to the light i invite you inside of me ahhh! ahhh! ahhh! ahhh! you love the parts of me that hurt i love the dark of you let me carry your blackest dirt and you will take mine too in the sun silhouettes fade if we trust they can take my hand and ditch shadows with me now we’re free
5.
i never look for love but still it comes to kill breaking my locks doin its dirt at will so when you came for me you were the big surprise over my shoulder out of the corner of my eyes now we dance a slow pantomime a duet, a vignette, details of the crime you were a fragrant wind blow through my dusty vault seasons of sex leaving a smell of salt summer fades into the wintertime still a sweat of regret, details of the crime ripped from the pages of some cheap detective novels or from a mini-series mystery of the week the trail of evidence so evidently obvious  how dare we speak? i know myself i know my modus operandi i solve the case before the caper becomes clear who is the victim of my many misdemeanors? i volunteer! beyond logic, no internal rhyme what we will forget of the threat, details of the crime i never look for love but i invite it still open my locks do with me what you will
6.
i put the breath mints in my pocket i knew that you’d been drinking you pushed me hard on the bed in the dark couldn’t tell what you were thinking go along to get along that’s just what i do get this over quick so i can get out from under you i turn my head so i see into the future it looks like the light in the hall you think it’s funny but i’m not laughing you don’t notice me at all go along to get along that’s just what i do get this over quick so i can get out from under you in your eyes i could see nothing bright blue babies used to turn something on but now it’s gone you could be anyone lying on top of me and i’m done! go along to get along that’s just what i do get this over quick so i can get out from under you i’m not dead but this ain’t living change the sheets, write a better song i took the mints out from my pocket freshen up and then move on
7.
i did it all for the business of show hair and make-up you were the blonde in the front of the row lips all played up under a spell that night of a spotlight’s glare on me yeah! every line from my lip, every note from my hand was for you only no other sound since singing began felt so holy the heat of your eyes on me was all i needed to fly (oooh! ooooh! ooooh!) the business of show will kill me i know but i go on anyway without this source i am out of sorts divorced and far away after the set in the lobby i spied your leather jacket i rushed through the crowd to the end of the line just so i could grab it ooh! then our wires touched cheeks went blush heartbeats rushing with desire we do it all for the glitter and shine those magic moments the gift and the curse of the business of show there’s no difference
8.
My Own Baby 04:27
i was standing on the corner i was waiting for you to show watching the curtain for some kind of sign in your boudoir whoa! an hour later, i’m still standing in the cold swinging and clinging to your hook and line til i had to go i’ll always be there for me i’ll never let me down from the mountains to the sea i can count on me i’ll be my own baby now i’ll be my own from now on i fulfill all my needs i will depend on me i am my own baby now i am my own from now on shoop shoop dee doop doop! shoop shoop dee doop! i tried to text you i tried the telephone but the party line was no party for me just a lonely dial-tone i’m tired of waiting ain’t no blood left in this stone no running and gunning can tell to me now what i should have known love is the game we play and i wanna play it well but it seems to me the rules have changed so i’m just gonna play myself i’ll be my own baby now i’ll be my own from now on i fulfill all my needs i will depend on me i am my own baby now i am my own from now on shoop shoop dee doop doop! shoop shoop dee doop! i’ve made all the preparations got the ring and the rice and the candlelight and when the moment’s right i’ll get down on one knee i’ll propose to me i’ll be my own baby now i’ll be my own from now on i fulfill all my needs i will depend on me i am my own baby now i am my own from now on shoop shoop dee doop doop! shoop shoop dee doop!
9.
does he fuck like me? does he please you like me? does he write like me? is / he does / he? is / he does / he? is he smarter than me? is he hotter than me? is he younger than me? is / he does / he? is / he does / he? what’s his skin like? does he drink like you? does he like-like you straight and wife-like? is he prettier than me? is he more like a girl than me? he’s got his hair cut like me is / he does / he? is / he does / he? is he sweet to your body? does he like it when you’re naughty? is he just like your daddy? is / he does / he? is / he does / he? what’s his skin like? does he drink like you? does he like-like you straight and wife-like? was i your escape hatch? am i an itch to scratch? was i your status catch? the match so you can burn for someone else is in the bed with us it’s not he that’s in the bed with us it’s my questions and they’re dangerous is / he does / he? is / he does / he? does he hurt like me? is he hurt like me? can he hurt like me? is / he does / he?
10.
this is a kiss off k-k-k-kiss off kiss a little bit of sour with your sweetness this is a kiss off k-k-k-kiss off kiss was it hello or a hell of a goodbye? it looks the same to the outside eye that night on the corner, waiting on the red light who kissed who first? don’t who or why this is a kiss off k-k-k-kiss off kiss a little ray of sun in with your secrets this is a kiss off k-k-k-kiss off kiss was it the bliss of your sexual technique or just your fist landing on my cheek? i wanna give you the finger or give you a finger i’m doubled up in the double speak this is a kiss off k-k-k-kiss off kiss a little dot of danger with your genius a little gray area’s my weakness k-k-k-kiss off kiss kissy kissy piss off kiss my ass and kick-off steal a kiss, wont kiss and tell kiss of death, k-k-kismet kiss the ring and then make up what kind of kiss kiss i can’t tell air kiss! air kiss! betrayed by a quick kiss she’s such a good kisser got me right in the kisser can you tell i still wanna kiss her? i’m in the doorway heart hanging on my sleeve i’m gonna run before you kiss off me this is a kiss off k-k-k-kiss off kiss they only look like angels with some demons you wanna kiss off k-k-k-kiss off kiss i won’t lie to you, you know me and i need this a little gray area’s my weakness k-k-k-kiss off kiss you know you want a kiss off come here and get a kiss off kiss you love a kiss off give me a kiss off kiss a little kiss off
11.
Landing Spot 04:14
like an astronaut blinded by a 100 watt sun i went for the cheap shot, i done gone went and forgot trying to be something i’m not, and hold up! i lost the plot see i was floating on that moonshot, drawing on that beauty spot every night cuz i thought that i ought surprise! it ain’t diddly squat just left me holed up in a parking lot alone and super bloodshot, the kettle calling the pot what? only silence. tongue tied up in knots then in that dry rot i heard the flash of a dash and a dot an S-O-S, yes, singing  back to me from a previous Camelot: “come home, astronaut” now the world’s not blue, it’s cobalt, it’s not beige, it’s apricot i’m so cool i’m white hot i write to a beat and a bass and an emotional snapshot an infinite galaxy caught right here for your ears in this big bang of a thought the lesson isn’t what we’ve been taught the work is to learn to want what i’ve got so here i come down to earth here i come i know what i’m worth a mother-fucking jackpot this here is my landing spot
12.
Today / Sex 02:25
today i could have been having sex with you we coulda got busy in each other’s company it sure would have been nice to have sex with you but it wasn’t worth the price to be your accessory the day we could have been having sex was bright and i barely slept the night dreaming of our sex to be i drove with a hard-on just for you until your text came through at 10:22 when i make time for you it’s a fucking gift that you can’t buy in any store so you better be grateful a lot of people want this fucking gift but i tell them they’re not rich enough for a spot on my calendar you, i decided, could have sex with me and you were careful which i appreciate i enjoyed the 4 dates when we had sex all night and it felt right to open my heart and my planner and anticipate and wait and wait when i make time for you it’s a fucking gift that you can’t but in any store so you better be grateful whoa fuck you! for breaking my heart and fuck me for letting it happen that’s my part FUCK ME FOR LETTING IT HAPPEN! FUCK ME FOR LETTING IT HAPPEN! FUCK ME FOR LETTING IT HAPPEN! today you could have been having sex with me instead you threw it away for some friends and some extra sleep
13.
hey little miss mister what’s got you so down? today little miss doesn’t seem so hard the sun is shining you’re looking pretty fine to me hey little miss mister won’t you give us a smile? you play mister hard to get so well can i call you baby? let’s fall in love or maybe not can i call you baby? let’s fall in love or maybe not papa says, a-yeah you hit the brakes in time mama ain’t come back from her long, long drive hey little miss mister want to take a ride? i’ll behave mister like a boy in school i think you like it dirty i heard you were the one for me i know you like it dirty you wanna be the one for me papa says, a-yeah you hit the brakes in time mama ain’t come back from her long, long drive hey little sister baby what’s your name? don’t be afraid pretty mister i won’t tell your friends no one has to know that you make me want to lose control no one has to see that you made me write a symphony hey little miss mister won’t you give me a call? by the way little mister i will always think you’re beautiful it’s better to have loved and lost and then you make an album than never to have loved and lost and never made an album papa lied, he never hit the brakes in time mama’s car is gone, and you don’t know why hey little miss mister what’s got you so down down down? whatcha say little mister do like my album?

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released September 24, 2021

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Erin McKeown Fredericksburg, Virginia

Erin McKeown is a musician, writer, and producer known internationally for their prolific disregard of stylistic boundaries. Over the last 20 years, Erin has performed around the world, released 10 full length albums, and written for film, television, and theater, all the while refining their distinctive and challenging mix of American musical forms. ... more

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